Forget ROI. Today’s marketers are fluent in a new language: Buzzwordese. It’s not about results – it’s about sounding like you’re doing something.
Top Nonsense Metrics
- Engagement Velocity: How fast people scroll past your ad while vaguely noticing it.
- Brand Sentiment Delta: The emotional shift between “meh” and “mildly interested.”
- Microconversion Echoes: When someone hovers over a button but doesn’t click. Still counts.
- Funnel Friction Index: A number you invent to justify redesigning the landing page for the sixth time.
Marketing isn’t about clarity – it’s about creating a dashboard so complex that nobody questions your budget. If it has a heatmap and a pie chart, it’s working.
