Remember when “self-care” meant taking a nap, eating something vaguely edible, and maybe calling your mom? Yeah, not anymore. In 2025, self-care is a $13 billion industry that wants you to believe you’re one scented candle away from enlightenment.
You’re not tired. You’re “burnt out.” You’re not broke. You’re “investing in yourself.” And you’re not procrastinating — you’re “honoring your boundaries.” Translation: you’re lying on the floor scrolling TikTok while a $72 lavender candle burns dangerously close to your IKEA curtains.
The Ritual of Buying Stuff You Don’t Need
Step one of modern self-care: spend money. Lots of it. You can’t just drink water anymore — you need a $40 glass bottle with a crystal jammed inside. You can’t just stretch — you need a yoga mat made from recycled moon dust. You can’t just breathe — you need an app that charges $9.99 a month to remind you to inhale.
And don’t forget the skincare. If you don’t have a 12-step nightly routine that involves serums, oils, and something called “essence,” are you even taking care of yourself? Your ancestors survived plagues and famines with a bar of soap. You, meanwhile, are applying snail slime to your face because a 19-year-old influencer said it “changed her aura.”
The Cult of Productivity Disguised as Relaxation
Here’s the kicker: self-care isn’t even relaxing anymore. It’s work. You’re supposed to journal, meditate, hydrate, exfoliate, manifest, and track your sleep cycles like you’re a lab rat in a Fitbit experiment.
You can’t just watch Netflix in peace. No, you have to call it “screen detox” and log it in your wellness app. You can’t just eat a cookie. You have to call it “intuitive eating” and post about it on Instagram with the caption “listening to my body.”
Self-care has become another item on your to-do list. Right between “answer emails” and “spiral emotionally.”
The Wellness Gurus Who Definitely Don’t Own a Couch
Every self-care article is written by someone who wakes up at 4:30 AM, drinks hot lemon water, and runs a marathon before you’ve even hit snooze. They tell you to “unplug” while tweeting about it from their iPhone 17 Pro Max. They tell you to “slow down” while selling you a $299 course on how to slow down faster.
Meanwhile, you’re just trying to survive another Monday without crying in the office bathroom. But sure, let me just “align my chakras” while my boss pings me on Slack for the third time this hour.
The Harsh Truth
Here’s the reality: self-care isn’t a jade roller. It’s not a Himalayan salt lamp. It’s not a $300 weighted blanket that makes you feel like you’re being gently suffocated by debt.
Self-care is turning off notifications. It’s saying “no” without writing a 500-word apology email. It’s eating pasta at midnight because you want to, not because your horoscope told you carbs are “energetically aligned” this week.
But of course, no one can sell you that. And if they can’t sell it, they’ll just rebrand it until they can.
Self-care today is less about caring for yourself and more about caring for the economy. But hey — at least your WordPress theme looks gorgeous while you read this nonsense. And isn’t that the real wellness?
